I am sitting here at the computer, holding my sweet Cullen and trying to type with one hand. Cullen is 7 weeks old today and even though I know typing out his story will be beneficial, not only for me, but hopefully for other families, I am still dreading it. We have told his story over and over to family, friends, doctors, nurses, and specialists that I am afraid I have become numb to the raw emotions that I want to express. I want to remember it all and yet I want to forget it and just be thankful for my sweet baby.
I want to start at the beginning. Even though this is Cullen's story, it is essentially our family's story and it started long before he was ever conceived.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
This verse has become our family's prayer. 3 1/2 years ago, Jason was definitively called to the ministry and started taking classes through our denomination, the Christian and Missionary Alliance. Our son, Jerek, was 2 at the time. He had come much earlier in our marriage then we had anticipated having children and even though it had made life more complicated then we had expected, we loved having him and wouldn't have changed it for the world. I was finishing up my Early Education degree at the time. Life was crazy hectic with both of us in school, but we knew we were doing what God was calling us to do. We also knew, as badly as I wanted another child, it was not the time! There were times I wanted another baby so badly, I was secretly praying that I would just get pregnant. But, I didn't and we kept chugging along, finishing school and finally moving out of my in-laws (after 3 1/2 years) and getting a place of our own.
In November of 2010, my hairdresser mentioned that I had lost A LOT of hair, enough that I should probably go see a doctor. I posted about that here. In December we decided that I should go off birth control because it was probably the culprit. We then discussed for a couple months about having a baby. Jason was just about done with school and I had not gotten a job that year, I was only subbing. We decided to just let something happen if it was going to happen.
On Memorial Day weekend we found out we were pregnant. I was SO SO SO excited. The next nine months were fairly easy. I was more tired then I had been when I was pregnant with Jerek and I also had "morning" sickness from about 11 am until 5 or 6 pm until I was about 18 weeks along. Everything was going well though. No problems with my pregnancy and at my ultrasound they said he was "perfect".
The night before my C-section, we went out as a little family of 3 to a Japanese habachi restaurant. We had so much fun, but a I was a little sad to think that my big boy of almost 5 was going to be a big brother. Sad that it was our last night as 3. We dropped him off at Mana and Papa's and went home to try and get some sleep before we had to be at the hospital at 5 am.