Wednesday, March 28, 2012

January 28th, 2007

Psalm 29:11

The Lord gives strength to his people;

    the Lord blesses his people with peace.

I want to write a disclaimer to my previous post.  I know that it sounds cold and emotionless.  There are two reasons for this.  One, I realized while typing that out that I do not remember a lot of what happened that day.  I think this is a combination of the meds I was on and the lack of experiencing most of what happened.  I was stuck in my bed the entire day and almost all of the information I have about Cullen's birth is second hand.  Secondly, I have so many emotions about that day that it is hard to express them.  I think I ran through every emotion possible, which I believe has also jumbled up what I remember and what seemed important then and what was ACTUALLY important.

I was woken up by a sweet friend calling to pray with me.  What comfort that brought.  To hear someones voice and be prayed with.  I no longer had the words to pray, so to have someone pray for me was quite the relief.

The doctor came in shortly after.  He has been my doctor since I was 5 years old and delivered my first son.  I trust him and was relieved to see him so early in the morning; it was 7 am.  He came to update me on Cullen, he was stable, doing well.  But they still didn't know why he had become lethargic.  They would be doing an MRI this morning.  So, they had decided to keep me at the hospital until after lunch.  There was no point in me going to the NICU because I wouldn't be able to see Cullen anyhow.  As long as I was up walking around, they would let me leave later.

My nurse helped me out of bed, walk around.  MY WORD I had forgotten how much it hurt.  But I pushed through it, knowing that I had to do well to get out of there.  My nurse from the day before came in.  She gave me a huge hug and talked through what had happened after she had left for the day.  My parents showed up shortly after.  I took a shower and ate.

Jason called and told me Cullen had done well with the MRI.  They had a feeding tube in him, but he would be able to give him a bottle soon because he was doing so well.  He also LOVED the night nurse and the day nurses were great too.  He was doing ok.  But I could tell, in his voice, he wasn't.  He doesn't deal well with medical issues.  I couldn't imagine how he was holding up.  He told me that we had a room at the Ronald McDonald house.  It was nice with a comfortable bed and lots of food we could eat.  It was all superficial chit chat.  I don't think either of us wanted to REALLY talk to the other over the phone.  Our emotions were too raw.

The c-section doctor decided that he wasn't going to do rounds until that evening.  That meant that I wasn't going to be able to leave until then.  I was disappointed, but also relieved because walking around was still really hard and painful.  After lunch, my nurse said that she was going to MAKE me take a nap.  No visitors, no calls.  My parents left and I quickly fell asleep.  I woke up to the people in the next room laughing and joking.  I knew that another baby had been born the day before and assumed it was her family.  I don't know why, but listening to them is what made me break.  I lost it.  I cried and cried and cried.  I wanted to call the nurse and tell them to shut those other people up.  But I couldn't, I was crying too hard.  I wanted to call my mom so I wouldn't be alone.  But I couldn't, I was crying too hard.  I wanted one of the nurses to come in and sit with me.  But I couldn't, I was crying too hard.

I am not sure how long I sat alone in that room crying.  The cafeteria called to find out if I was going to order dinner.  I had a very candid discussion with the lady, debating on if I should get food or not since I anticipated leaving soon.  She convinced me to get something.  I hung up and realized how ridiculous my conversation with her had been, she probably thought I was nutty.

My parents came back.  I had calmed down enough to call my mom and ask her to come.

The next hour or two flew by.  Jason called and said that in order to help keep Cullen's body temp up, they were only letting him hold him when it was time to eat, so if I wanted to hold him, I needed to be up there before 9.  The doctor came in and checked me and said I was free to go.  We rushed to get my things packed and get me out of there.  It was excruciating getting into my parent's van, but I got into the seat, held a pillow against my stomach to help with the bumps and turns and we flew to the other hospital.  It was about an hour drive and we wanted to make sure we go there in time to hold Cullen.

We got there in time.  I not only got to hold Cullen, but I also got to give him a bottle.  It was a sweet night.

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